Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Two months...

It's so hard to try and write down my thoughts lately. I seriously cannot believe it has been two months since my Aunt Patti has passed away.  Some days are ok.  Some days are awful.  Some days I cannot get out of bed.  Some days I want nothing to do with the real world.   But some days I am in awe, I am in love, I am thankful and I am grateful.  Loss is a crazy thing.

It has been nothing short of a roller coaster.  I have been fortunate enough to 1) become a SAHM and 2) have the summer vacationing with my sister and family.  I try to wrap my head around these two things sometimes and I can't.  

I am so lucky to have married a man who lets me follow my heart and live out my emotions. I am eternally grateful.  It has taken me a long time to grieve this loss and I am still not there but I know I will get there. I am still not "ok" with the fact that I was literally driving to my Aunt's house - to be with her, to save her, to rescue her, to bring her to Virginia, to comfort her, to remind her of our life, to console her, to love her.  And she died. On my way to her house. I dropped everything to go. She died. I will not know the answer why.  Maybe ever. But, it is a daily struggle.  I wanted to be there for her at the end. To hold her hand and rub her back and stroke her hair and laugh and reminisce on all of the unforgettable memories that we made.  I was too late.  It is something I will struggle with and regret as long as I live.

But I go back to other feelings like love and thankfulness and at the end of the day I can't help but to be thankful for the loves in my life. I love my husband - looooooove him. I love our children - they are the light in my life. My sister is my better half. My niece and nephew - I am in awe of them. My parents are the best parents anyone could ever hope to grow up with.  My aunt ….. she was the best part of all of our lives. There is a hole.  But we are trying to fill it with new memories. Fun memories. Laughs.  Sometimes the laughs turn into tears because she isn't here but I know she is looking down on us with love and I cannot wait until we get to see her again.

Patti, I miss you and I love you and I hope that you know that my entire life I looked up to you and the way you lived is what I aspire to do. I loved our grape bubble gum, Bon Jovi, t-top Camaro days more than you will ever know.  Family comes first. You taught me that, I  believe it and I hope to live it to the fullest, especially on my stay at home mom journey.