Dear Cancer, I hate you.

God has a plan for all of us. I get that. We are all here for some reason. I believe in the "bigger picture".

But why, why does this have to entail losing a mother, a friend, a wife, a daughter?

When I got to school at 7 am this morning I had no idea of the devastating, punch to the stomach blow, news that I was going to hear. 

One of my sweet, dear past students....a girl I have come to love as my own and taught for 2 years....her mother passed away this morning.  She had been battling cancer for 2 years and 1 month. Now she's gone...gone from earth but NEVER from our hearts, minds, souls, thoughts....I just can't believe it. 

I am still in shock. 

I have not suffered loss really in my life - very fortunate in that matter. My great grandmother passed away and lived a wonderful life. My cat Saber passed away - again long and great life.  My dad's dad passed away and even though I only met him once he still had a long(er) life. 

But this woman - was taken from her kids too soon...too soon. Everytime I even thought of her name, her face, her daughter's face, her daughter's name, her son's face, her son's name .... I absolutely lost it - started bawling - had to excuse myself from teaching.  

My own daughter was sick today and I had to leave early from school to pick her up - which means I got to pick Beckett up early too.  We got home at 3:00 - and got to play outside for almost 2 hours!!! It was so much fun.  I was teary eyed most of the time just thinking how precious life can be and how fortunate I am to be here with my two amazing children for atleast one more day....

Lesley ~ you were an amazing woman, friend, roommom, mother, and wife.  I only wish we had finalized plans for you to meet Emerson before you passed.  I am so glad you can finally breathe again without pain.  I know this has been a tough journey for you.  

I passed your daughter in the hall today...your beautiful, intelligent, funny, precious daughter - I smiled, said hi to her, patted her on the shoulder...... it wasn't enough- I apologize - but the sheer sight of her almost brought me to my knees. Knowing she won't have you around in person for the rest of her life made me sick to my stomach.  Who will talk to her about boy troubles and body changes and get her ready for dances and prom and her wedding day. I wanted to grab her in my arms, rock her, hold her, cry with her and tell her how amazing you are and how incredibly sorry I am. 

Everyone says the kids will be fine - everything will be fine...it won't be fine.  When will it ever be fine for a daughter, son, and husband to carry on without you here?  I just can't get over this sadness and loss. I am hoping to find some peace soon....in the mean time you are in my thoughts and I am planning a date night with my husband...thanks for that - I needed the shove.  

I miss you so much.  Thank you for your kindness to me, my family and for your generosity....you have taught me so many lessons about what a great mother should be.  Thank you.  God Bless and I can't wait to see you again. 

~xo Libby